Rendered Wordless

Everyone who knows or has ever met me, knows that being wordless is not one of my many problems.  I always have a lot to say.  The less I know on a subject, the more I’m apt to opine on it because I tend to think as a I live – out loud.  Oftentimes I find myself on both sides of an oral or thought argument; I use words to search for, examine, and formulate my final opinions.  Most of the time, my final opinions are far from final.  I continue to think on it, speak on it, mull it around – out loud – to myself or others.  I realized, just as I was typing that last sentence, that I live in a constant state of personal research and development.

So why, with all that is going on in the world right now, right this moment, have I been rendered wordless?  I mean, literally, wordless?  Because my blog runs on autopilot, my readers might not have noticed my absence but, for sure, for the last month I have had no words.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had thoughts; a rushing, whirlwind, overabundance of thoughts.  I’ve had so many thoughts on so many things that I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to take a breath with a hurricane swirling right into my face, or like trying to take a sip while swimming in a tsunami, or like trying to like a cigarette while standing in a forest fire.

Rendered wordless.

What has happened instead, over the last month, is I’ve mostly been quiet. (My husband would not agree.)  I’ve mostly been watching.  I’ve mostly been keeping a mental log.  I’ve mostly been reexamining all I’ve thought I’ve known about everything.

The results:  ongoing.  I’ve been disappointed by humankind and, at the same time, buoyed by the human spirit.  I’ve been lamenting my lack of activity while basking in my lack of activity.  I’ve been contributing regularly to my pandemic 15 while working out more effectively when I do workout.  I’ve been relying on some government assistance (unemployment) while solidifying my already-existing resolve to never need to resort to any government assistance again.  I’ve been seeking new employment/career while enjoying not having to frantically search for new employment/career.  I’ve been absolutely loving having my family around all the time while really missing my (mental-health-inducing) alone time.

I’m living in the largest, most all-encompassing paradox I’ve ever known could exist.

Silence about it all is all I’ve been able to muster.

Oddly enough – and really, REALLY crazy for me – I have considered going on a planned wordless journey; a temporary vow of silence, so to speak.  I’m not actually going to do that.  I mean come on (wry chuckle).  But I’ve enjoyed something new that all this silence is causing:  listening.

Everyone who knows or has ever met me, knows that being wordless is not one of my many problems.  But they do know that listening is a huge challenge for me.  But now I’m enjoying hearing what other people have to say.  I’m enjoying mulling over other people’s thoughts and experiencing their journeys through their words.

Here I am writing today, for the first time in a month, so I guess my wordless experience is coming to an end.  But I can honestly say, that this thoughtfulness, watchfulness, listening has been a positive experience that I hope will enhance my being, and my words, for the rest of my life.

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